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1,589 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
In the three minutes I have between work and school, I came upon this. I remember it from a few years back, but it's still funny. All hail to the folks down under!

Gripe sheet

After every flight, Quantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, then
the pilots review the gripe sheets right before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.

Here are some of the actual maintenance complaints submitted by the Qantas' pilots (as marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (as marked with an S) by the maintenance engineers.

By the way, it is relevant to note that Qantas is the only major airline in the world that has never, ever, had an accident!

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in the cockpit.
S: Something tightened in the cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of a leak on the right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume reset to a more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: The number 3 engine is missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after a brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one saved for last......

P: Noise coming from under the instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from the midget.

979 Posts
Hey don't knock the flying Kangaroo,our maintenence engineers are extremely busy,drinking beer. :-D :hammer:

591 Posts
That's exactly why no one can really stay pissed at an aussie.

I remember training with one of their recon detatchments and a guy complaining the whole time about getting the Clap from " a dirty american whore". It turned out that his friends had replaced his "fun time" lotion with something that created a burning effect for hours.
When we got out of the field we played a game of Austrailian Rules Football in a bar using a Coorslight bottle as a ball. Friggin love those guys.....

1,065 Posts
Here are some conversations that the airline passengers don't hear. The
following are accounts of actual exchanges between airline pilots and
control towers around the world.....

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock , 6 miles!"

Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."

"Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"

"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm
"Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself
i mmediately!"

Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f... ing bored, not f... ing stupid!"

O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a
Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."

United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the
little Fokker in sight."

A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting
to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known

Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out
after touching down.

San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of
the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit
off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing
because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked."
Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a
B-52 that had one engine shut down.

"Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."

Taxiing down the tarmac, a DC-10 abruptly stopped, turned around and
returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A
concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What, exactly, was the

"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the
flight attendant. "It took us a while to find a new pilot."

A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the

Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"

Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."

Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in
Germany. Why must I speak English?"

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent):
"Because you lost the bloody war."

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after
we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact
Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"

Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for take off, roger; and yes, we
copied Eastern. we've already notified our caterers."

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of
the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned
around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in
the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you
make it all by yourself?"

The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a
real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and
I'll have enough parts for another one."

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a
short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking
location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was
with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following
exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747,
call sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: " Frankfurt , Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."

Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."

The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speed bird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been
to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- and I
didn't land."

While taxiing at London 's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight
departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose
with a United 727.

An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming:
"US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto
Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's
difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting
hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed eve rything up! It'll take forever to
sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You
can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that,US Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control
communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of
US Air 2771.

Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.

Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his
microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"


63 Posts
As a privte pilot and ex member of the air force i can relate to both of these. When i was in the service we had a pre inspection be fore the big brass came to base and the base commander found a dead mouse in one of the cable raceways at the transmitter site, his gripe report said dead animal found in raceway my bosses reply was dead moose removed from raceway :-D

1,181 Posts
Two members of the Lothian and Borders Traffic Police were out on the Berwickshire Moors with a radar gun recently, happily engaged in apprehending speeding motorists when their equipment suddenly locked up completely with an unexpected reading of well over 300mph. The mystery was explained seconds later as a low flying Harrier hurtled over their heads. The boys in blue upset at the damage to their radar gun put in a complaint to the R.A.F., but were somewhat chastened when the R.A.F. pointed out that the damage to police resources might well have been more severe: the Harrier’s target seeker be locked on to the enemy radar and trigger an automatic air to surface attack.

120 Posts
When I was doing my private pilots license my instructor told me a story about a military aircraft which was communicating with the control tower, the pilot was asked to radio in his altitude every 1000ft. The pilot held down the button and proceeded to count of 1000, 2000, 3000, 4000, 5000 and so on all the way to 25000ft he was in an FA18.

The tower was apparently unimpressed.

278 Posts
yep, that's great. as a F/A 18 SUPER HORNET maintainer we get all kinds of aff the wall gripes from the pilots.... something along the lines of "system will not work in O-F-F position." it's really funny to see the junk these people write up.

college=no common sense :???: :-D

337 Posts
I guess I am a little weird I laughed my ASSSSS off. Fantastic I loved it and forwarded it to everyone. Sean...

1,065 Posts
Found a few more:

Problem #2 Propeller seeping prop fluid.
Solution #2 Propeller seepage normal.
Problem #1, #3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage.

Problem F/A's complain of numerous roaches in the galleys
Solution Roaches deplaned

Problem 3 roaches in galley.
Solution 1 roach killed, 1 wounded, 1 got away.

Problem Weather radar went ape-%@#&!
Solution Opened radome, let out ape, cleaned up %@#&!

Problem Turn & slip indicator ball stuck in center during turns.
Solution Congratulations. You just made your first coordinated turn!

Problem Whining sound heard on engine shutdown.
Solution Pilot removed from aircraft.

Problem Pilot's clock inoperative.
Solution Wound clock.

Problem Autopilot drops a wing when fuel imbalance reaches 500 pounds.
Solution Flight manual limits maximum fuel imbalance to 300 pounds.

Problem Lower Rotating Beacon half-full of water.
Solution Lower Rotating Beacon topped off.

Problem Approximately 2 each wires in bundle burned.
Solution Removed and replaced between 1 and 3 wires.

Problem No 2 engine oil overserviced.
Solution No 2 engine oil under-overserviced.

Problem Seat cushion in 13F smells rotten.
Solution FRESH seat cushion on order.
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