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Ethel checked into a hotel on her 50th Birthday she was lonely, a little depressed at her advancing age so decided to risk an adventure.

She thought, “I’ll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages.”

She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself ‘Tender Tony’, a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a sixpence off his well-oiled buns...

She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know. I’ll give him a call. “Good evening, ma’am, how may I help you?

Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy! Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in, “I hear you give a great massage. I’d like you to come to my hotel room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I’m in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now ... Bring implements, toys, everything you’ve got in your bag of tricks. We’ll go at it all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, I’m ready!

Now how does that sound?”

He said, “That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line.”
 

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How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?

Golden Retriever: "The sun is shining, the day is young. we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out light bulb?"

Border Collie: "Just one, Then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code."

Dachshund: "You know I can't reach that stupid light!"

Rottweiler: "Make me..."

Boxer: "Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark."

Labrador: "Oh, me, me!! Pleeeeze let me change the bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeze please please please!"

German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any. and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation."

Jack Russel: "I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture."

Old English Sheep Dog: "Light bulb? I'm sorry but I don't see any light bulb."

Cocker Spaniel: "Why change it? We don't need light to pee on the carpet."

Pointer: "I see it! There it is! Right there!"

Greyhound: "It's not moving so I don't care."

Australian Shepherd: "First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle..."

Poodle: "I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry."

Cat: "Dogs do not change light bulbs, People do that. So the real question is, how long will it be before I can expect some light, some dinner and a massage?"
 

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Santa Claus: An Engineer's Perspective:

1. There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish or Buddhist religions, this reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to the Population Reference Bureau). At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per house hold, that comes to 108 million homes, presuming that there is at least one good child in each.

2. Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 967.7 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with a good child, Santa has around 1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh and get on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but will accept for the purposes of our calculations), we are now talking about 0.78 miles per household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops or breaks. This means Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second. That's about 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a pokey 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per hour.

3. The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized Lego set (two pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500,000 tons, not counting Santa himself. On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that the 'flying' reindeer could pull ten times the normal amount, the job can't be done with eight or even nine of them; Santa would need 360,000 of them. This increases the payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh, another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch).

4. 600,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second crates enormous air resistance. This would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a spacecraft re-entering the Earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion Joules of energy per second each. In short, they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team would be vaporised within 4.26 thousandths of a second, or right about the time Santa reached the fifth house on his trip. Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accelerating from a dead stop to 650 miles per second within a millisecond, would be subjected to centrifugal forces of 17,500 G's. A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly crushing his bones and organs and reducing him to a quivering blob of pink goo.

5. Therefore, if Santa did exist, he's dead now.
 

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You are wrong, we visited him in Finland/Lapland back in the 1990's my daughter sat on his lap etc
 

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You are wrong, we visited him in Finland/Lapland back in the 1990's my daughter sat on his lap etc
Shhhh!... One Christmas when my son was a toddler he had been a real little ****, so on Christmas day I hid all of his presents, and gave him an empty shoe box wrapped in Christmas paper. As he began to wail I told him it was an Action Man deserter... his mother gave him the real presents just when the screaming and wailing were about to go off the scale.
 
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Santa has a space-time mulitplexer, so all he has to do is slow down time, replicate himself, make his deliveries, and enjoy a nice bottle of Macallan when the job's done. One Christmas he forgot to unreplicate himself before draining the scotch; caused a worldwide shortage and a nasty hangover.
 

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Santa has a space-time mulitplexer
That was the old one. I'm now working on a keyless version made from thermos flask cups, recycled pallets and ring clips.
 
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Surely all people react like that to a lovely motorbike sound. 😂😂😂
Perhaps, but there was no lovely motorbike sound in that video.
 

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My favorite Christmas joke:

What did the baby Jesus say to the Little Drummer Boy?

"This is probably the worst present I'll ever get in my entire life."
 

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A biker is putting down the avenue and a car pulls out in front of him runs him into a ditch. He powers out of the ditch, catches up with the guy, pulls the eight in Cresent wrench out of his vest and slings it right at the driver.
When he appeared in court for manslaughter the judge asked why he would do such a thing.

Biker replied "I didn't see him."
 
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