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Ethel checked into a hotel on her 50th Birthday she was lonely, a little depressed at her advancing age so decided to risk an adventure.

She thought, “I’ll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages.”

She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself ‘Tender Tony’, a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a sixpence off his well-oiled buns...

She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know. I’ll give him a call. “Good evening, ma’am, how may I help you?

Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy! Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in, “I hear you give a great massage. I’d like you to come to my hotel room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I’m in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now ... Bring implements, toys, everything you’ve got in your bag of tricks. We’ll go at it all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, I’m ready!

Now how does that sound?”

He said, “That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line.”
 

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How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?

Golden Retriever: "The sun is shining, the day is young. we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out light bulb?"

Border Collie: "Just one, Then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code."

Dachshund: "You know I can't reach that stupid light!"

Rottweiler: "Make me..."

Boxer: "Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark."

Labrador: "Oh, me, me!! Pleeeeze let me change the bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeze please please please!"

German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any. and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation."

Jack Russel: "I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture."

Old English Sheep Dog: "Light bulb? I'm sorry but I don't see any light bulb."

Cocker Spaniel: "Why change it? We don't need light to pee on the carpet."

Pointer: "I see it! There it is! Right there!"

Greyhound: "It's not moving so I don't care."

Australian Shepherd: "First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle..."

Poodle: "I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry."

Cat: "Dogs do not change light bulbs, People do that. So the real question is, how long will it be before I can expect some light, some dinner and a massage?"
 
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