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Women's Guiness Records

Without further ado, please enjoy a few entries from the unpublished Guinness Book Of Female Records.



1. Reverse Car Parking: The smallest kerb-side space successfully reversed into by a woman was one of 19.36m (63ft 2ins) equivalent to three standard parking spaces, by Mrs. Katherine Scoffings (GB) driving an unmodified Vauxhall Nova ‘Swing’ on 12 October 1993. She started the manouvre at 11:15 in Ropergate, Pontefract, and successfully parked within three feet of the pavement 8 hours 14 minutes later. There was slight damage to the bumpers and left wing of her own and two adjacent cars as well as a shop front and two lamp posts.

2. Incorrect Driving: The longest journey completed with the handbrake on was one of 504 km (313 Miles) from Stranraer to Holyhead by Dr. Julie Thorn (GB) at the wheel of a Saab 903 on the 2nd April 1987. Dr. Thorn smelled burning 2 miles into her journey at Aird but pressed on to Holyhead with smoke billowing from the rear wheels. This journey also holds the records for the longest completed journey with the choke fully out and the right indicator flashing.

3. Shop Dithering: The longest time spent dithering in a shop was 12 days between 21st August and 2nd September 1995 by Mrs. Sandra Wilks (GB) in the Birmingham branch of Dorothy Perkins. Entering the shop on a Saturday morning, Mrs. Wilks could not choose between two near identical dresses which were both in the sale. After just one hour her husband, sitting in a chair by the changing room with his head in his hands, told her to buy both dresses. Mrs. Wilks, on the last day, bought one for £12.99 only to return the next day and change it for the other dress. To date, she has yet to wear it.
Mrs. Wilks also holds the record for window shopping longevity, when, starting 17th September 1995, she stood motionless gazing at a pair of shoes in Clinkard’s window in Kidderminster for 3 weeks 2 days, before eventually going home.

4. Jumble Sale Massacre: The greatest number of old ladies to perish whilst fighting at a jumble sale is 198 at a Methodist Church Hall in Castleford, West Yorkshire on 12th February 1991. When the doors opened at 10:00, the initial scramble to get in took 16 lives with a further 25 being killed in a crush at the first table. A seven-way skirmish then broke out over a pinafore dress costing 10 pence, which escalated into a full scale melee resulting in another 18 lives being lost. A pitched battle over a headscarf then ensued and quickly spread throughout the hall claiming 39 old women. The jumble sale raised £5.28 for the local boy scouts.

5. Talking about Nothing: Mrs. Mary Caterham (GB) and Mrs. Marjorie Steele (GB) sat in a kitchen in Blackburn, Lancashire, and talked about nothing whatsoever for four and a half months from 1st May to 7 August 1978, pausing only for tea, cakes and toilet visits. Throughout the whole time, no information was exchanged and neither woman gained any new knowledge whatsoever.
The outdoor record for talking about nothing is held by Mrs. Vera Hetherington (GB) and her neighbour Mrs. Dolly Booth (GB) of Ipswich, who, between 11th November 1983 and 12th January 1984, chuntered on over their fence in an unenlightening dialogue lasting almost 62 days until Mrs. Booth remembered she’d left the bath running.

6. Gossiping: On 18th February 1992, Joyce Blatherwick, a close friend of Agnes Banbury, popped round for a cup of tea and a chat, during the course of which she told Mrs. Banbury, in the strictest confidence, that she was having an affair with the butcher. After Mrs. Blatherwick left at 14:10, Mrs. Banbury immediately began telling everyone, swearing them all to secrecy. By 14:30, she had told 128 people of the news. By 14:50 it had risen to 372 and by 16:00 that afternoon, 2774 knew of the affair, including the local Amateur Dramatic Society, several knitting circles, a coach load of American tourists which she flagged down, and the butcher’s wife. When a tired Mrs. Banbury went to bed at 23:55 that night, Mrs. Blatherwick’s affair was common knowledge to a staggering 75,338 people, enough to fill Wembley Stadium.

7. Group Toilet Visit: The record for the largest group of women to visit a toilet simultaneously is held by 147 workers at the Department of Social Security, Longbenton. At their annual Christmas celebration at a night club in Newcastle-upon-Tyne on 12th October, 1994, Mrs. Beryl Crabtree got up to go to the toilet and was immediately followed by the other 146 members of the party. Moving as a mass, the group entered the toilet at 21:52 and, after waiting for everyone to finish, emerged 2 hours and 37 minutes later.

8. Film Confusion: The greatest length of time a woman has watched a film with her husband without asking a stupid plot related question was achieved on 28th October 1990, when Mrs. Ethel Thurswick sat down with her husband to watch ‘The Ipcress File’. She watched in silence for a breath-taking 2 minutes 40 seconds before asking, “Is he a goodie or a baddie then; him in the glasses?” revealing a staggering level of ignorance. This broke her own previous record set in 1962 when she sat through 2 minutes 38 seconds of ‘633 Squadron’ before asking, “Is this a war film then, is it?”

9. Single Breath Sentence: An Oxfordshire woman today became the first ever to break the thirty minute barrier for talking without drawing a breath. Mrs. Mavis Sommers, 48, of Cowley, smashed the previous record of 23 minutes when she excitedly reported an argument she’d had in the butchers to her neighbour. She ranted on for a staggering 32 minutes 12 seconds without pausing for air, before finally turning blue and collapsing in a heap on the ground. She was taken to Radcliff Infirmary in a wheelbarrow but was later sent home.
At the peak of her mammoth motor-mouth marathon, she achieved an unbelievable 680 words per minute, repeating the main points of the story an amazing 114 times whilst her neighbour, Mrs. Dolly Knowles, nodded and tutted. The last third of this marathon was delivered in a barely audible croak, the last 2 minutes being mouthed only, accompanied by vigorous gesticulations and indignant spasms.

10. Traffic Light Cosmetics: The longest spell spent oblivious to traffic lights whilst applying make up was one of 1hr 51min 38sec by Miss J. Dobson (GB) at a road junction in the centre of Preston on the 1st August 1975. Miss Dobson, a piano teacher, beautified herself through 212 cycles of the light, creating a tailback of irate motorists stretching 28 miles towards the Lake District.
 

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I was at WalMart buying a bag of Purina dog chow.
I was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
Why else would I be buying dog chow, RIGHT ???

So on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again,
and that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time,
but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in intensive care, with tubes coming out of
most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and all you do is load
your pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry.
The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again.
(I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me.
I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle's butt and a car hit me.
 

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4000 years of medicine:

2000 BC: Here, eat this root.
1000 AD: That root is heathen! Here, say this prayer.
1865 AD: That prayer is superstition! Here, drink this potion.
1935 AD: That potion is snake oil! Here, swallow this pill.
1975 AD: That pill is ineffective! Here, take this antibiotic.
2000 AD: That antibiotic is poison! Here, eat this root.
 

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image
A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational.



On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.



‘About 32,’ is the reply.’



‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.



A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.



The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’



Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street.



She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question.



The clerk responds, ‘Oh, I’d say 30.’



Again she proudly responds, ‘I’m 50, but thank you!’



While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.



He replies, ‘Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.’



They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, ‘What the hell, go ahead.’



He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.



After a couple of minutes of this, she says, ‘Okay, okay…..How old am I?’



He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, ‘Madam, you are 50.’



Stunned and amazed, the woman says, ‘That was incredible, how could you tell?’



‘I was behind you at McDonalds’.
 

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"An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake...

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl with a 'Billy-Club'.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

'Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy ... do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No ... not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times"...
 

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An older gentleman goes to the Dr. for a physical. The Dr. hands him a jar and ask him to bring in a sperm sample the next day.

The following day the gentleman returns and hands the Dr. the jar empty.

The Dr. ask the gentleman” what happened?”

He explains that he tried with his right hand,then his left hand. So he asked his wife for help, she tried one hand then the other. She even tried her mouth,when that didn’t work she even removed her teeth and tried again to no avail. So he went to the neighbors.

“Wait,why go to the neighbors?” The Dr. asked

“I’m sorry doc we just couldn’t get that jar open,thought maybe they could help” he answered


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
 

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So, I found a radio at a yard sale the other day for a dollar. The tag said the volume was stuck on full...



I couldn't turn it down
 
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