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Two scientists walk into a restaurant. The first one says, “I’ll have an H2O.”

The second one says, “I’ll also have a glass of water. Why are you referring to it so strangely. We’re not at work anymore.”

The first scientist goes into the bathroom and cries. His assassination attempt has failed.




I don't get it! Can someone explain this one to me?
 

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Two scientists walk into a restaurant. The first one says, “I’ll have an H2O.”

The second one says, “I’ll also have a glass of water. Why are you referring to it so strangely. We’re not at work anymore.”

The first scientist goes into the bathroom and cries. His assassination attempt has failed.




I don't get it! Can someone explain this one to me?
Scientist #1 was hoping Scientist #2 would follow his lead and say something like "I'll have an H20, too" (H202), would get served a glass of hydrogen peroxide, in what must be the most literal bar in the world, and die from drinking it.
 

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Some bad dad jokes for you.

Q. What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Dear Nuts?

A. Beer Nuts and 20 cents and Deer Nuts are just under a Buck.



Q. Why is Turkey meat dearer the Chicken

A. Chickens go "Cheep"



Q. What do you get if you cross a Kangaroo with a Sheep?

A. Wooly Jumpers.
 

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Life in the Deep South.

Georgia
The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said, “Y’all graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I wuz to give yew $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?”
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, “Everthang but my earrings.”

Louisiana
A senior citizen in Louisiana was overheard saying, “When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana .”
When asked why, he replied, “I’d rather be in Louisiana ‘cause everythang happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the world.”

Mississippi
The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, “Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!”
Bubba replied, “Did y’all see who it was?”
The young man answered, “I couldn’t tell, but I got the license number.”

North Carolina
A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.
A passerby studied the scene as he drove by, and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.
The man replied, “I got a flat tahr.”
The passerby asked, “But what’s with the flowers?”
The man responded, “When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither.”

Tennessee
A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65. The trooper asked, “Got any ID?”
The driver replied, “Bout whut?”

Florida
The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, “Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don’t you see that sign on that pole in front of you.”
“Yep,” he replied. “That’s why I’m dumpin’ it here, ‘cause it says: ‘Fine For Dumping Garbage.’”

Y’all kin say whut y’all want ‘about the South, but y’all never heard o’ nobody retirin’ an’ movin’ North.


Chico
 

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Once an ambitious biology teacher wanted to illustrate his students the consequences of environmental pollution to animal life on earth. So he did a simple experiment:

He put rain worms in different glasses, the 1st filled with whiskey, the 2nd filled with nicotine, the 3rd filled with sperm and the last filled with fresh water.

Next day they looked after the worms and lo and behold:

The worm in the whiskey: dead!
The worm in the nicotine: dead!
The worm in the sperm: dead!

But the worm in the fresh water had survived and was vitally alive!

The teacher asked his students: Now, what can we learn from this experience?

Some painful long seconds there was silence in the auditorium....

Then a girl in the last row stood up and stated:

If we drink, smoke and **** enough, then we won't get worms!

Chico
 

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Three ladies, Jan, Sue and Mary haven't seen each other since leaving school. They rediscover each other via Facebook and arrange to meet for lunch.

Jan arrives first, wearing a beige Versace dress. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio. Sue arrives shortly afterwards, wearing a grey Chanel number.

After the initial hugs and kisses she joins Jan in a glass of wine. Then Mary walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots. She too shares the wine.

Jan explains that after leaving school and attending Oxford University she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter. Timothy is a partner in one of London's leading law firms. They live in a 4000 sq ft apartment in Chelsea. Susanna, their daughter, attends drama school. They also have a second home in France.

Sue relates that she graduated from Cambridge University, studied to become a doctor and then became a surgeon. Her husband, Clive, is a leading financial investment banker in The City. They live in the Kensington area and have a second home in Italy.

Mary explains that after she left school at 17, she ran off with her boyfriend, Mark. They run a tropical bird park on the Sunshine Coast in Australia and grow their own vegetables. Mark can stand five parrots, side by side, on his erect penis.

Halfway down the third bottle of wine and several hours later, Jan blurts out that her husband is really a cashier at Aldi they live in a small flat and have a caravan parked on the front drive.

Sue, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explains that she and Clive are both nursing care assistants in an old people's home. They live in Stratford and take camping holidays at Butlins.

Mary admits that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.

 

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A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom. First he goes to rent a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.

Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there’s a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers.

Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there’s a large limo line at the rental office, but he’s patient and gets the job done.

Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there’s no punchline.
-------------------------

Stolen from reddit
 

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A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom. First he goes to rent a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.

Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there’s a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers.

Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there’s a large limo line at the rental office, but he’s patient and gets the job done.

Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there’s no punchline.
-------------------------

Stolen from reddit
The dumbest joke ever. Made me laugh..:smile2:
 

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Howard is 95 and lives in a senior citizen home. Every night after dinner, Howard goes to a secluded garden behind the center to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life.

One evening, Annabel, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat, and before they know it, several hours have passed. After a short lull in their conversation, Howard turns to Annabel and asks, "Do you know what I miss most of all?

She asks, "What?"

"SEX!!!"

Annabel exclaims, "Why you old fart, you couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!"

"I know," Howard says, "but it would be nice if a woman just held it for a while."

"Well, I can oblige", says Annabel, who gently unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it.

Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Annabel would hold Howard's manhood. Then,
one night, Howard didn't show up at their usual meeting place.

Alarmed, Annabel decided to find Howard and make sure that he was O.K. She walked around the senior citizen home where she found him sitting by the pool with another female resident-who was holding Howard's manhood!

Furious, Annabel yelled, "You two-timing creep! What does she have that I don't have?!"

Howard smiled happily and replied, "Parkinson's

Chico
 

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Rodeo Sex

To have rodeo sex, get your wife into bed, get her on all fours and mount her doggy style. When you're both reaching the peak of excitement, whisper in her ear,

"you do this just like my secretary,"

and hang on.
 

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IF YOU MARRY A GIRL FROM THE BRONX
Three friends married women from different parts of the country.

The first man married a woman from Indiana. He told her that she was... to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed
and put away.

The second man married a woman from Michigan. He gave his wife orders to do all the cleaning, wash dishes, and prepare gourmet meals.The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from Da Bronx. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, the dishes washed, the lawn mowed, the laundry washed and ironed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, and the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he pees.

Chico
 

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I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."

Chico
 

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A man is sitting at a table in a restaurant and the waiter comes over says...

Waiter: Are you ready to order yet, sir?

Man: I am but my wife is the bathroom

Waiter: Do you know what she`s having, sir?

Man: Well, she`s been 10 mins, so probably a sh*t.
 
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