Triumph Rat Motorcycle Forums banner

1 - 20 of 1877 Posts

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
9,797 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
A missionary was about to leave his posting in the jungles where he
has spent years teaching the natives 'The Good Word' when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English.

So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest.

He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."

The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."

The missionary was pleased with the response.

They walk a little farther and he points to a rock and says, "This is a
rock."
Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."

The missionary is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he
hears a rustling in the bushes.
As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.

The missionary is really flustered and quickly says, "Riding a bike."
The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them.

The missionary goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years
teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how
could he kill these people in cold blood that way?

The chief replied, "My bike."
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
24,281 Posts
Here ya go

A bloke's wife goes missing while holidaying on the West Australian
coast
while they were diving. He spends a terrible night wondering what could
have happened to her. Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is
confronted by a couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger
Constable.

The Sarge says, "Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some
really bad news, but, some good news and maybe some really good news".

"Well," says the bloke, "I guess I'd better have the bad new first?"

The Sarge says, "I'm really sorry pal, but your wife is dead. Young Bill
here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the
reef.
He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead."

The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a bit
of a
turn. After a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the
good
news is.

The Sarge says, "Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few
really good sized crays and a swag of nice crabs attached to her
wetsuit,
so we've brought you your share." He hands the bloke a sugar bag with a
couple of nice crays and four or five crabs in it.

"Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all
that... Now, what's the really good news?

"Well", the Sarge says, "me and young Bill here get off duty at around
11
o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again!....you
fancy comin' with us?"

DaveM :cool:
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
303 Posts
Hope you all have heard of Ghandi.
A little known fact, Ghandi walked the earth continually all his life in bare feet, which gave him amazingly large callouses on his feet.
Because of his diet,mainly vegaterian, his body and bones were known to be very weak.
He also had a very deep belief in all things spirituel.
And because of his diet he had incredibly bad breath.
All of these factors lead to him being known in many parts of the world as...................................................................................wait for it............................................................................................A super calloussed,fragile mystic,plauged with hallitosis. :-D
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
9,797 Posts
Discussion Starter #5
An Australian guy decides to travel around the Greek Islands. He walks into a bar and Jill (the Australian Barmaid) takes his order, a Fosters, and notices his accent. Over the course of the night they get to know each other.

At the end of Jill's shift he asks her if she wants to come back to his place and have sex with him. Although she is attracted to him she says no. He then offers to pay her $200 for sex. Jill is travelling the world and because she is short of funds she agrees.

The next night the guy turns up again, orders Fosters and after showing her plenty of attention throughout the night he asks if she will sleep with him again for $200. Jill remembers the night before and is only too happy to agree.

This goes on for 5 nights. On the 6th night the guy comes in, orders Fosters and sits in the corner. Jill thinks that if she pays him more some attention then maybe she can then shake some more cash out of him again, so she goes over and sits next to him.

She asks him where he's from in Australia and he tells her: "Melbourne".

"So am I... What suburb in Melbourne?"

"Glen Iris" he replies

"That's amazing..." she says, "So am I - what Street?"

"Cameo Street" he replies

"This is unbelievable..." she says,"What number?"

He says "Number 20" and she is totally astonished.

"You are not going to believe this but I'm from Number 22! My parents still live there!"

"I know..." he says, "Your dad gave me $1,000 to give to you"

HE WHO DRINKS AUSTRALIAN THINKS AUSTRALIAN!
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
24,281 Posts
THE SILENT TREATMENT

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving
each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the
next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early
morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote
on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00am." He left it where he knew
she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and
he had missed his flight....

He was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM, Wake Up."

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests....

Remember:

God may have created man before woman
but there is always a 'rough draft 'before the masterpiece.

There ya go girls one for you! :-D

DaveM :cool:
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
24,281 Posts
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blond woman wave at
him and say hello. He's rather taken back, because he can't place where he
knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?"

To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife
and says,
"My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made
love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching???"



She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No, I'm your son's maths teacher."


DaveM :cool:

[ This message was edited by: Wombat on 2007-02-03 01:56 ]
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
7,365 Posts
If you don`t like toilet humour, click the 'Back' button on your browser, now.

- 15 Easy Steps To Poo Like A Woman

1. Under no circumstances use any other toilet than your own,
regardless of any stomach pain may be caused whilst waiting to
get home.

2. With the toilet-brush, clean any residue left on the pan by
your boyfriend / husband. Also wipe his pubic hair off the seat
with some toilet paper.

3. Flush the toilet before starting. Then wash your hands

4. Line the toilet seat with toilet paper (as other people may
have sat on the toilet since it was last bleached).

5. Stuff toilet paper inside the pan to prevent splash-back.

6. Pull panties down and sit. Some women may still prefer to squat
over the seat as opposed to taking the risk of touching it with
bare flesh.

7. Release solids, but strain to avoid making any sounds.

8. Rise and quickly flush before direct eye-contact is made with
any faeces.

9. Take a length of toilet paper and fold it several times to
positively guarantee that no residue will touch bare skin
(about five or six applications per roll).

10. Wipe once and throw paper into the pan. Do not look at the
paper.

11. Repeat steps 9 and 10 at least thirty times. It may be
necessary to yell for your boyfriend/husband to find some more
rolls to pass through the door while promising not to open his
eyes or pass any comments. It is traditional to do this while
he is trying to watch sport.

12. Flush the toilet and replace the lid.

13. Wash hands at least three times with disinfectant soap.

14. Open all windows and spray approximately half-a-can of air
freshener.

15. Pick up all reading material left behind by your
boyfriend/husband and leave bathroom, closing the door firmly
behind you.


15 Easy Steps to Poo like a Man:

1. Select reading material (can be anything except a porn-mag;
tried by every man once, but never repeated - see step 4).

2. Tell everyone along the way, "Just going for a dump, okay?"
Always tell girlfriend/wife, especially when she has visitors.

3. Pull pants and trousers around ankles, then sit down.

4. Adjust penis and testicles to hang comfortably without touching
the toilet rim.

5. Open reading material and relax.

6. Whilst waiting, it is traditional to audibly fart.

7. Sigh loudly as the first one bullets out. It is quite normal to
experience a cold jet of water rocket upyour anus as a result
of the first bomb. This is to be endured if you want to be a
real man.

8. Remain sitting and reading until pins-and-needles set in to
your legs and buttocks.

9. Rise and look at the poo. Make mental notes of any
irregularities to report to friends and girlfriend/wife, e.g.
colour, consistency, any visible traces of peanuts, etc. You
must tell people about it.

10. Take long length of paper and wipe anus. You must look at the
paper before throwing it into the pan.

11. Repeat step 10 until there is no longer any evidence of faeces
on the paper.

12. Flush. If there is any residue left on the pan, under no
circumstances attempt to cleanit off. In due course, it will
come away by itself. Or, when your girlfriend/wife next uses
the loo.

13. Leave the seat up. Leave the reading material on the floor
(you can use it again later).

14. Wash your hands once.

15. Vacate the bathroom, leaving the door open. It is important to
a man's self-esteem that other people smell his produce.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
774 Posts
Three bikers die and meet in heaven. They are standing before God.
"Here in heaven your faithfullness to your wife in life determines what motorcycle you'll ride here in heaven"said God.
So the first biker says"I must confess I was unfaithful to my wife many times".
So God gives him a 1975 Sportster in really bad condition. After several attempts to start it the first biker chugs away.
The second biker says"Lord, I was unfaithful to my wife only once".
So God gives him a 1980 Kawi Z750 in good condition.
The third biker says"As for me I was never unfaithful to my wife".
He gets a brand new GSX-R 1000 and off he goes. A few days later the first two bikers are riding along and spot the third sitting on the side of the road crying like there's no tomorrow. They stop and the first says,"what the hell is wrong? You're in heaven riding the best bike on the planet and your're crying!"
The third biker looks up and sniffles"I just saw my wife ride by on a unicycle!" :cool:
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
303 Posts
Gay guy goes to join the army, sergeant says you cant join we dont accept homosexuals, the gay is very persistant, the sgt. asks him,"could you kill a man?"........... after a moments thought the gay replies "eventually". :-D
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
7,365 Posts
Fart Joke.

Doctor, "What seems to be the problem?"

Patient, "Doc, I've got the farts. I mean I fart all the time,"

The Doctor nods, "Hmm."

Patient, "My farts do not stink and you can't hear them. It's just that I fart all the time. Look, we've been talking here for about 10 minutes and I've farted five times. You didn't hear them and you don't smell them, do you?"
"Hmm," says the Doctor,

He picks up his pad and writes out a prescription.

The patient is thrilled "Great doc. This prescription, will it really clear up my farts?"

"No," sighs the Doctor, "The prescription is to clear your sinuses. Next week I want you back here for a hearing test."

Fart Joke 2.

:-D :-D :-D

A Ballerina goes to the Doctor,

"Doc I am having terrible trouble with the most awful wind, every time I pirouette I fart" she cries.

"Hmmm," says the Doctor, "I'd like to see that if possible"

The ballerina get up, pirouettes and Phrrrt... Farts loudly.

"Thats amazing, do it again,"

Again the pirouette is accompanied by a loud fart

"Hmmm," says the Doctor "I think I know what we need to do," he bends down and picks up a long pole with a curious barbed hook on the end.

The ballerina starts back in alarm, "What the heck? are you going to do with that?" she asks,

"Opening the window, it stinks in here for Gods sake!"




[ This message was edited by: welshrob on 2007-02-05 06:40 ]
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
303 Posts
Did you here about the Irishman who was teaching his dog to pee in the gutter ?.....................................................

He fell off the roof and killed himself.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
569 Posts
An Octopus walks into a bar and says "I can play any musical instrument you like".

An Englishman gives him a guitar, which it plays better than Jimi Hendrix.

An Irishman gives him a piano, which it plays better than Elton John.

A Scotsman throws it a set of bagpipes.

The octopus fumbles about for a couple of minutes without a sound from the bagpipes and Scotsman asks, "what's wrong, can ye no play it"?

The octopus says, "Play It? I'm gonna f*** her brains out once I get her pyjamas off"
:-D :-D
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
45 Posts
A guy walks into a pub one night and sees a very attractive young woman down at the end of the bar with several empty glasses in front of her, "hmm, he thinks" and strolls down there just as she takes a slug out of a fresh glass. " Hi." he says. the lady puts down her glass, looks him up and down, and says " Look buddy, lets just cut the bull***** here, I screw anybody, old, young, fat, skinny, don't matter, I'll screm'em anywhere, their place, my place, in the car, on the ground, in the hall, all the same. I'll screw them quick and I'll screw them slow, clean, dirty all the same to me. So, whadda ya say?"
" Really?" he says " I'm a lawyer too, what firm are you with?"
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,969 Posts
The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the
activities for her 100th birthday were taking place.

Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she could write notes when she
needed to communicate.

After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the
right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and
stuffed pillows on her right.

A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the
family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.

Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed
her, then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.

A grandson, who arrived late, came up to Grandma and said,
"Hi,Grandma,you're looking good! How are they treating you?"

Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the
grandson.

"They won't let me fart."


[ This message was edited by: Wombat on 2007-02-07 13:59 ]
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,969 Posts
A bit of humour to laugh at and pass on.

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest,
"I almost had an affair with another woman."

The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"
The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then
I stopped."

The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not
to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50
in the poor box."
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over
to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You
didn't put any money in the poor box!"

The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according
to you, that's the same as putting it in!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon
entering the confessional, she said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."
The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."

The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love
to me seven times."

The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into
a glass and then drink the juice."
The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"
The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for
company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and
asked, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor
creature?"
Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an
animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and the
re's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."
Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya 'think $5,000 is enough to
donate to them for the service?"
Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell
me the dog was Catholic?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children,
grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college
girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them
three times."
Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"
Man: "What sins?"
Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"
Man: "I'm Jewish."
Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"
Man: "I'm 92 years old .... I'm telling everybody."


[ This message was edited by: Wombat on 2007-02-07 13:58 ]
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
7,365 Posts
The Red Shirt
Long ago lived a seaman named Captain Bravo. He was a manly man who showed no fear in facing his enemies. One day, while sailing the seven seas, a look-out spotted a pirate ship and the crew became frantic. Captain Bravo bellowed, ''Bring me my Red Shirt.'' The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt and whilst wearing the bright red frock he led his men into battle and defeated the pirates. Later on that day, the look-out spotted not one, but two pirate ships. The captain again called for his red shirt and once again, though the fighting was fierce, he was victorious over the two ships. That evening, all the men sat around on the deck recounting the day's triumphs and one of the them asked the captain, ''Sir, why do you call for your red shirt before battle? The captain replied, ''If I am wounded in the attack, the shirt will not show my blood and thus, you men will continue to fight, unafraid.'' All of the men sat in silence and marveled at the courage of such a manly man as Captain Bravo. As dawn came the next morning, the look-out spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirates ships approaching from the far horizon. The crew stared at the captain and waited for his usual reply. Captain Bravo calmly shouted, ''Get me my brown pants.''
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
7,365 Posts
What follows are some corollaries to Murphy's Law.

Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.

Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now.

Bath Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Theater Rule: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich of landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

Brown's Law: If the shoe fits, it's really ugly.

Wilson's Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it, or change it for the worse.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
264 Posts
Two young nuns were instructed to paint a room being remodeled in the convent but it was so hot they didn't think they could go on until one of them had the idea that if they took their clothes off they would be cooler and no one would know the difference since they were in a closed room. Later there was a knock at the door and one of the nuns said "who is it?" and the reply was "it's the blind man" and they thought ,no problem and let him in to see what he wanted. When he entered he said "nice b**bs sister, here's the blinds you ordered. :razz:
 
1 - 20 of 1877 Posts
Top