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I recently thumbed through a medical book from 1850 and was amused by some of the descriptions and cures for certain illnesses and diseases. So, here are a few biker diseases............... :-D
Ballistic Fly. Rifled Insecti
The ballistic fly is a close relative to the Cannon Ball Moth. Usually the ballistic fly hides away from view preferring to spend its time in a semi dormant state at the side of the road. The fly awakens from this state when a motorbike enters its territory. If the rider opens their visor slightly the fly enters a suicidal state and will aim directly for the riders’ eyes. Adolescent flies have difficulty identifying open or shut visors and will commit suicide on the visor of the rider. Sufferers from an attack from the ballistic fly will notice that although the fly only hits one eye both eyes will shut tightly and then stream with tears. The rider then uses their memory to ride the next 100 meters because they are unable to open their eyes.
Helm Horror. Snotium Visoralis
Helm Horror is a purely visual compliant. The Helm horror is the mess left on the inside of the helmet after the rider sneezes. Any one about to suffer from helm horror will be seen frantically trying to open their visor but this rarely works. Open face helmet wearers feel smug that they do not suffer from helm horror, but this is not true. For when a wearer of an open face helmet sneezes, the sneeze flies forward and is then blown back in to the face of the rider.
Sudden braking syndrome. Brakus rapido
If a motorbike has to be brought to a stop quickly the rider can suffer from this complaint. Male riders will often pull over to the side of the road and roll around the floor in pain because their genitals have been rapidly and firmly squashed. The patient will quite often not be able to speak and will only make strange strangled squeaky noises. The eyes will invariably water. Pillions may also suffer from this complaint but to a slightly lesser extent. If a pillion is subjected to this syndrome then they shall feel their hips pop as they are forced against the back of the rider. The pillion may feel like they are about defying evolution and develop the ability to fly. When a pillion is involved the riders squashed gential problem quite often becomes acute and they may suffer from a slap round the head or a punch to the kidneys.
Land Rover syndrome by proxy. Bigius Sainsbury Tractorum
Although this syndrome is called the Land Rover syndrome it applies to all four wheel drive off road vehicles. The term off road vehicle is actually a motoring industry joke and makes car manufacturers roll around the floor holding their sides with laughter. Modern off road vehicles should have been named ‘Up curb’ vehicle which is a far more accurate term for their abilities. They are invariably driven by people who NEED a four wheel drive vehicle to traverse the uncharted wilderness regions of Sainsbury’s car park and the incredibly hazardous road conditions found out side most primary schools. Due to a cruel twist of evolution all the off spring of four wheel drive owners are born with a defective walking gene which only allows them to take ten paces before they collapse demanding a large McDonalds and their X box. Riders of motorbikes should be very wary of any four wheel drive vehicle because if they meet one head on driving down a lane the four wheel drive vehicle loses all ability to stop or pull over to the side. The glass in side a Land Rover Freelander has been especially developed by scientists in Sweden so that anything seen through the glass looks like a dangerous African animal. This glass was developed so that the owners of these vehicles can justify to them selves that fitting bull bars to the front of their suburban tractor was a safe decision to make because every time they drive the vehicle they are surrounded by Lions, Wildebeast and Elephant. The symptoms of Land Rover syndrome are very similar to Merc Syndrome where the rider, after coming in to close contact with one, will demand strong coffee and a quiet private place to inspect the state of their underwear. However, riders that have suffered from Land rover develop a morbid fear of Schools and shopping centre car parks.
The Merc Tremor Germanic Tank Operatorium
Riders of motorbikes frequently suffer from the side affects of people driving both Mercedes and BMW cars. The drivers of these cars are not aware that as soon as they sit behind the wheel they suffer from Inflation of the Ego and swelling of their own self importance and they lose the ability to use indicators, park or see other road users. Normally Mercs and Beemers are safe when kept at a distance; however, if a rider should come in contact with one they should be very careful. If a rider gets too close to one of the Germanic road tanks then they could suffer from sudden braking syndrome or Saddle pants. Riding a motorbike in close proximity to a kraut wagon causes the rider to scream loudly at regular intervals. A rider that has recently come in to contact with one of the vehicles will suffer from the Merc tremor. The rider will have a pale complexion, demand lots of hot strong coffee and smoke at least three cigarettes whilst staring in to the distance with a look of terror on their faces. The rider will also develop a slight tremor in their hands and a nervous tick when ever they see a German car.
Stench foot. Wiffy Bootium
After a rider has been wearing a pair of boots for more than an hour they develop a strong odour. This odour hides in the boot until it is left alone in the house. Once alone it leeks out of the boot and takes up residence inside the house. When the house owner returns they notice a smell similar to a damp badger. There is no known cure; however, symptoms can be avoided by storing your boots in someone else’s house.
Leather Bladder. Sodit pissi
A virus that only affects bikers. It suppresses the feeling to go for a piss until the sufferer has got all of their bike gear on. Then once the rider has put the last glove on the virus stops suppressing the need to piss and the sufferer has the strong urge to go to the toilet.
Pillion Bladder. Sodit pissiumus
A similar complaint to leather bladder but the virus gets confused because the pillion is not at the front of the bike. Therefore the virus takes slightly longer to wear off and the pillion only gets the urge to wee four miles after the rider has set off.
Pillion fart vortex.
This is not a disease as such but a freak of nature. Bikers have evolved over the years a self defence system similar to that of some insects. They secret an evil smelling gas to ward off would be predators. Proof can be gained by sniffing a rider who has just had a close encounter with a Merc, BMW or four wheel drive vehicle. This gas has been perfected by evolution to stay close to the body for as long as possible so as to provide the rider with as much protection as possible. Unfortunately this means that it will hide behind the rider when on a bike so that it does not get blown away by the strong slip stream. This area behind the rider is the air that the pillion breathes. The gas then sees the pillion as a potential threat and attacks the pillions nose. The pillion is unable to escape with out jumping off the bike.
The Waterproof hop
The waterproof hop is actually a fertility dance whose origins are lost in the mists of time. When a biker attempts to put on waterproofs over the top of leathers they recreate the mystical dance once performed by druids. The dance consists of hops, twists and turns and a few Anglo Saxon words thrown in at random
Zip Hand
Due to a law passed in 1985 by the European Union all biker’s leathers have to have pockets that are just too small to put the average hand in to. The side affect of this law is that when a biker tries to get their money out of the pocket the zip digs in to the back of the hand and leaves long scratches. The EU passed this law hoping that the thought of potential injury would make riders think twice before riding motorbikes and sell them and go and buy a nice sensible car instead.
Cannon Ball Moth Insecti Balisticum
A relative of the ballistic fly the Cannon ball moth is larger in size and can travel up to speeds in excess of 4 miles per hour. The moth hunts bikers in the hours of dusk along country roads and lies in wait for it’s pray along side hedgerows and under street lights. Once a cannon ball moth has locked on to its target the biker cannot avoid hitting it. It will swerve and twist through the air so has to hit the rider’s helmet. Once it has hit the rider’s helmet it explodes leaving a brightly coloured sticky mess visible to all. The effect of a cannon ball moth hitting a rider’s helmet is the same as the helmet being hit by a base ball bat at high speed.
Saddle Pants Streaki Brownmessium
A condition suffered by any biker that has had a near miss. The nearer the miss, the greater the danger the deeper the brown
[ This message was edited by: Aggy on 2006-01-17 07:11 ]
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Aggy
\'So tell me again how eating all the pies and sticking carbon fibre on your bike makes it go faster\'
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