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Funniest thing I've read for a while

1K views 19 replies 12 participants last post by  steventhechef 
#1 ·
I borrowed this from another forum but felt it was too good not to share. I am typing this through tears at the moment.

Quote"

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser
For their anniversary submitted this:


"Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest.
The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for
my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The
effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect
on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....?? WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in
the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however,
that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd
get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her
Microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner,
my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions
and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought
better of it. She is suc h a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife
to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work
as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched
delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another.
The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a
two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily
control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the
Ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting
the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...? I'm sitting
there alone, Gracie lookin g on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do
it dip****,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't
hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I
touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER OF
GOD . ... WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the
recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I
vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body
soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm
tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture
frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed
by my body flopping all over the living room.


Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of caution:
there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let
go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor..
A three second burst would be considered conservative?

SON-OF-A-B***H, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I
collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent
reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and
about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples
were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom
lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.

Apparently I sh*t myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell
was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair.
I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!


P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!
'If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid.' "


:laughhard:
 
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#4 ·
At least he knows it works. Or I should say it did work. Maybe he should try it again just to be sure he didn't damage it in the fracas.
 
#8 · (Edited)
The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.
Strange, 5 shots of tequila deliver much the same result. Not that I'd know or anything. :D
 
#12 ·
If it were my cat I would have had no problem. The little sh-t has poked enough holes in me over the years,

Here's one of my favorite vids from another site though I think I've seen it here also.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F9nrANs5Tr4
 
#16 ·
Other things that are not too bright or such a good idea to do:

1. Asking your buddy to help you lift up your lawn mower to cut the shrubs.
2. Using a lighter to look inside a can of gas to see how much is left.
3. Checking for electrical current by licking the exposed wire. :eek:
4. Using Kerosene to clean a bike engine...just after you went on a fifty mile ride.

I bet as absurd as these things are some dumb arse some where has done it.

:laughhard:
 
#18 ·
Rus just for lawn mowers alone I have seen bad accidents from things you would think people just would not do. In Tennessee when I was there two guys actually did pick up a push mover to trim shrubs....they lost mutiple digits and portions of their palms. This is some further info.

Researchers analyzed emergency room and hospital records from 1996 to 2004 and found that nearly 663,400 people went to the emergency room and almost 12,000 people were hospitalized in lawn mower accidents during that period.

Not far fetched at all. :eek:
 
#19 · (Edited)
Fits into the catagory of famous last words like "Hold my beer and watch this.

Sort of like chain saw racing. Strap on your ice skates on a frozen lake, start the chain saw, touch it down to the ice and off you go. I understand you can reach incredible speeds.
 
#20 ·
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