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Old 02-02-2007, 02:38 AM   #1 (permalink)
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A missionary was about to leave his posting in the jungles where he
has spent years teaching the natives 'The Good Word' when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English.

So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest.

He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."

The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."

The missionary was pleased with the response.

They walk a little farther and he points to a rock and says, "This is a
rock."
Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."

The missionary is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he
hears a rustling in the bushes.
As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.

The missionary is really flustered and quickly says, "Riding a bike."
The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them.

The missionary goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years
teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how
could he kill these people in cold blood that way?

The chief replied, "My bike."
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Old 02-02-2007, 02:51 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Here ya go

A bloke's wife goes missing while holidaying on the West Australian
coast
while they were diving. He spends a terrible night wondering what could
have happened to her. Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is
confronted by a couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger
Constable.

The Sarge says, "Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some
really bad news, but, some good news and maybe some really good news".

"Well," says the bloke, "I guess I'd better have the bad new first?"

The Sarge says, "I'm really sorry pal, but your wife is dead. Young Bill
here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the
reef.
He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead."

The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a bit
of a
turn. After a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the
good
news is.

The Sarge says, "Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few
really good sized crays and a swag of nice crabs attached to her
wetsuit,
so we've brought you your share." He hands the bloke a sugar bag with a
couple of nice crays and four or five crabs in it.

"Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all
that... Now, what's the really good news?

"Well", the Sarge says, "me and young Bill here get off duty at around
11
o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again!....you
fancy comin' with us?"

DaveM
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Old 02-02-2007, 03:04 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Hope you all have heard of Ghandi.
A little known fact, Ghandi walked the earth continually all his life in bare feet, which gave him amazingly large callouses on his feet.
Because of his diet,mainly vegaterian, his body and bones were known to be very weak.
He also had a very deep belief in all things spirituel.
And because of his diet he had incredibly bad breath.
All of these factors lead to him being known in many parts of the world as................................................ ...................................wait for it................................................ ............................................A super calloussed,fragile mystic,plauged with hallitosis. :-D
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Old 02-02-2007, 04:01 AM   #4 (permalink)
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aaarrrgggggghhhhhhh (running away and hiding.......)


Russ :-D

[ This message was edited by: Wombat on 2007-02-02 10:16 ]
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Old 02-02-2007, 12:20 PM   #5 (permalink)
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An Australian guy decides to travel around the Greek Islands. He walks into a bar and Jill (the Australian Barmaid) takes his order, a Fosters, and notices his accent. Over the course of the night they get to know each other.

At the end of Jill's shift he asks her if she wants to come back to his place and have sex with him. Although she is attracted to him she says no. He then offers to pay her $200 for sex. Jill is travelling the world and because she is short of funds she agrees.

The next night the guy turns up again, orders Fosters and after showing her plenty of attention throughout the night he asks if she will sleep with him again for $200. Jill remembers the night before and is only too happy to agree.

This goes on for 5 nights. On the 6th night the guy comes in, orders Fosters and sits in the corner. Jill thinks that if she pays him more some attention then maybe she can then shake some more cash out of him again, so she goes over and sits next to him.

She asks him where he's from in Australia and he tells her: "Melbourne".

"So am I... What suburb in Melbourne?"

"Glen Iris" he replies

"That's amazing..." she says, "So am I - what Street?"

"Cameo Street" he replies

"This is unbelievable..." she says,"What number?"

He says "Number 20" and she is totally astonished.

"You are not going to believe this but I'm from Number 22! My parents still live there!"

"I know..." he says, "Your dad gave me $1,000 to give to you"

HE WHO DRINKS AUSTRALIAN THINKS AUSTRALIAN!
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Old 02-03-2007, 02:02 AM   #6 (permalink)
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THE SILENT TREATMENT

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving
each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the
next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early
morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote
on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00am." He left it where he knew
she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and
he had missed his flight....

He was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM, Wake Up."

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests....

Remember:

God may have created man before woman
but there is always a 'rough draft 'before the masterpiece.

There ya go girls one for you! :-D

DaveM
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Old 02-03-2007, 02:06 AM   #7 (permalink)
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A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blond woman wave at
him and say hello. He's rather taken back, because he can't place where he
knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?"

To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife
and says,
"My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made
love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching???"



She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No, I'm your son's maths teacher."


DaveM

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Old 02-04-2007, 04:39 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Did you hear about the constipated Mathematician?
He worked it out with a pencil.

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She said, "You can`t take ANYTHING seriously, can you?" I just laughed.
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Old 02-04-2007, 04:42 PM   #9 (permalink)
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If you don`t like toilet humour, click the 'Back' button on your browser, now.

- 15 Easy Steps To Poo Like A Woman

1. Under no circumstances use any other toilet than your own,
regardless of any stomach pain may be caused whilst waiting to
get home.

2. With the toilet-brush, clean any residue left on the pan by
your boyfriend / husband. Also wipe his pubic hair off the seat
with some toilet paper.

3. Flush the toilet before starting. Then wash your hands

4. Line the toilet seat with toilet paper (as other people may
have sat on the toilet since it was last bleached).

5. Stuff toilet paper inside the pan to prevent splash-back.

6. Pull panties down and sit. Some women may still prefer to squat
over the seat as opposed to taking the risk of touching it with
bare flesh.

7. Release solids, but strain to avoid making any sounds.

8. Rise and quickly flush before direct eye-contact is made with
any faeces.

9. Take a length of toilet paper and fold it several times to
positively guarantee that no residue will touch bare skin
(about five or six applications per roll).

10. Wipe once and throw paper into the pan. Do not look at the
paper.

11. Repeat steps 9 and 10 at least thirty times. It may be
necessary to yell for your boyfriend/husband to find some more
rolls to pass through the door while promising not to open his
eyes or pass any comments. It is traditional to do this while
he is trying to watch sport.

12. Flush the toilet and replace the lid.

13. Wash hands at least three times with disinfectant soap.

14. Open all windows and spray approximately half-a-can of air
freshener.

15. Pick up all reading material left behind by your
boyfriend/husband and leave bathroom, closing the door firmly
behind you.


15 Easy Steps to Poo like a Man:

1. Select reading material (can be anything except a porn-mag;
tried by every man once, but never repeated - see step 4).

2. Tell everyone along the way, "Just going for a dump, okay?"
Always tell girlfriend/wife, especially when she has visitors.

3. Pull pants and trousers around ankles, then sit down.

4. Adjust penis and testicles to hang comfortably without touching
the toilet rim.

5. Open reading material and relax.

6. Whilst waiting, it is traditional to audibly fart.

7. Sigh loudly as the first one bullets out. It is quite normal to
experience a cold jet of water rocket upyour anus as a result
of the first bomb. This is to be endured if you want to be a
real man.

8. Remain sitting and reading until pins-and-needles set in to
your legs and buttocks.

9. Rise and look at the poo. Make mental notes of any
irregularities to report to friends and girlfriend/wife, e.g.
colour, consistency, any visible traces of peanuts, etc. You
must tell people about it.

10. Take long length of paper and wipe anus. You must look at the
paper before throwing it into the pan.

11. Repeat step 10 until there is no longer any evidence of faeces
on the paper.

12. Flush. If there is any residue left on the pan, under no
circumstances attempt to cleanit off. In due course, it will
come away by itself. Or, when your girlfriend/wife next uses
the loo.

13. Leave the seat up. Leave the reading material on the floor
(you can use it again later).

14. Wash your hands once.

15. Vacate the bathroom, leaving the door open. It is important to
a man's self-esteem that other people smell his produce.
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She said, "You can`t take ANYTHING seriously, can you?" I just laughed.
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Old 02-04-2007, 04:42 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Three bikers die and meet in heaven. They are standing before God.
"Here in heaven your faithfullness to your wife in life determines what motorcycle you'll ride here in heaven"said God.
So the first biker says"I must confess I was unfaithful to my wife many times".
So God gives him a 1975 Sportster in really bad condition. After several attempts to start it the first biker chugs away.
The second biker says"Lord, I was unfaithful to my wife only once".
So God gives him a 1980 Kawi Z750 in good condition.
The third biker says"As for me I was never unfaithful to my wife".
He gets a brand new GSX-R 1000 and off he goes. A few days later the first two bikers are riding along and spot the third sitting on the side of the road crying like there's no tomorrow. They stop and the first says,"what the hell is wrong? You're in heaven riding the best bike on the planet and your're crying!"
The third biker looks up and sniffles"I just saw my wife ride by on a unicycle!"
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