Triumphrat

doodledog · 02-07-2007

A bit of humour to laugh at and pass on.

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest,
"I almost had an affair with another woman."

The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"
The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then
I stopped."

The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not
to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50
in the poor box."
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over
to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You
didn't put any money in the poor box!"

The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according
to you, that's the same as putting it in!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon
entering the confessional, she said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."
The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."

The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love
to me seven times."

The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into
a glass and then drink the juice."
The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"
The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for
company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and
asked, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor
creature?"
Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an
animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and the
re's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."
Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya 'think $5,000 is enough to
donate to them for the service?"
Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell
me the dog was Catholic?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children,
grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college
girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them
three times."
Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"
Man: "What sins?"
Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"
Man: "I'm Jewish."
Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"
Man: "I'm 92 years old .... I'm telling everybody."

[ This message was edited by: Wombat on 2007-02-07 13:58 ]

welshrob · 02-07-2007

The Red Shirt
Long ago lived a seaman named Captain Bravo. He was a manly man who showed no fear in facing his enemies. One day, while sailing the seven seas, a look-out spotted a pirate ship and the crew became frantic. Captain Bravo bellowed, ''Bring me my Red Shirt.'' The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt and whilst wearing the bright red frock he led his men into battle and defeated the pirates. Later on that day, the look-out spotted not one, but two pirate ships. The captain again called for his red shirt and once again, though the fighting was fierce, he was victorious over the two ships. That evening, all the men sat around on the deck recounting the day's triumphs and one of the them asked the captain, ''Sir, why do you call for your red shirt before battle? The captain replied, ''If I am wounded in the attack, the shirt will not show my blood and thus, you men will continue to fight, unafraid.'' All of the men sat in silence and marveled at the courage of such a manly man as Captain Bravo. As dawn came the next morning, the look-out spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirates ships approaching from the far horizon. The crew stared at the captain and waited for his usual reply. Captain Bravo calmly shouted, ''Get me my brown pants.''

welshrob · 02-07-2007

What follows are some corollaries to Murphy's Law.

Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.

Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now.

Bath Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Theater Rule: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich of landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

Brown's Law: If the shoe fits, it's really ugly.

Wilson's Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it, or change it for the worse.

mjtool · 02-08-2007

Two young nuns were instructed to paint a room being remodeled in the convent but it was so hot they didn't think they could go on until one of them had the idea that if they took their clothes off they would be cooler and no one would know the difference since they were in a closed room. Later there was a knock at the door and one of the nuns said "who is it?" and the reply was "it's the blind man" and they thought ,no problem and let him in to see what he wanted. When he entered he said "nice b**bs sister, here's the blinds you ordered. :razz:

Wombat · 02-08-2007

Actual letter of resignation from an employee at Zantex Computers, USA, to her boss, who apparently resigned very soon afterwards!

Dear Mr. Baker,

As a graduate of an institution of higher education, I have a few very
basic expectations. Chief among these is that my direct superiors have an
intellect that ranges above the common ground squirrel. After your
consistent and annoying harassment of my co-workers and me during the
commission of our duties, I can only surmise that you are one of the few
true genetic wastes of our time.

Asking me, a network administrator, to explain every little nuance
of everything I do each time you happen to stroll into my office is
not only a waste of time, but also a waste of precious oxygen. I was
hired because I know how to network computer systems, and you were
apparently hired to provide amusement to myself and other employees,
who watch you vainly attempt to understand the concept of "cut and
paste" for the hundredth time.

You will never understand computers. Something as incredibly simple as
binary still gives you too many options. You will also never understand
why people hate you, but I am going to try and explain it to you,
even though I am sure this will be just as effective as telling you what an IP is.
Your shiny new iMac has more personality than you ever will.

You walk around the building all day, shiftlessly looking for fault in others.
You have a sharp-dressed useless look about you that may have worked
for your interview, but now that you actually have responsibility, you pawn
it off on overworked staff, hoping their talent will cover for your
glaring ineptitude. In a world of managerial evolution, you are the blue-green
Algae that everyone else eats and laughs at.
Managers like you are a sad proof of the Dilbert principle.

Since this situation is unlikely to change without you getting a
full frontal lobotomy reversal, I am forced to tender my resignation,
however I have a few parting thoughts.

1. When someone calls you in reference to employment, it is illegal for you
to give me a bad recommendation. The most you can say to hurt me is
"I prefer not to comment." I will have friends randomly call you over the
next couple of years to keep you honest, because I know you would be
unable to do it on your own.

2. I have all the passwords to every account on the system, and I know
every password you have used for the last five years. If you decide to
get cute, I am going to publish your "favorites list", which I conveniently
saved when you made me "back up" your useless files. I do believe that
terms like "Lolita" are not usually viewed favorably by the administration.

3. When you borrowed the digital camera to "take pictures of your
Mother's birthday," you neglected to mention that you were going
to take pictures of yourself in the mirror nude. Then you forgot to
erase them like the techno-moron you really are. Suffice it to say I
have never seen such odd acts with a sauce bottle, but I assure you
that those have been copied and kept in safe places pending the
authoring of a glowing letter of recommendation. (Try to use a spell
check please; I hate having to correct your mistakes.)

Thank you for your time, and I expect the letter of recommendation
on my desk by 8:00 am tomorrow. One word of this to anybody,
and all of your little twisted repugnant obsessions will be open to the
public.

Never mess with your systems administrator. Why? Because they know
what you do with all that free time!

Wishing you a grand and glorious day,

Cecelia

Wombat · 02-09-2007

LOVE Those Senior Citizens. . .

A foursome of senior golfers hit the course with waning enthusiasm for the sport.

"These hills are getting steeper as the years go by," one complained.

"These fairways seem to be getting longer, too," said one of the others.

"The sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember them, too," said the third senior.

After hearing enough from his senior buddies, the oldest and the wisest of the four at 87 years old,
piped up and said,
"Quit your dang complaining and just be thankful we're still on the RIGHT SIDE of the grass!"Â*

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Two old women were sitting on a bench waiting for their bus. The buses were running late, and a lot of time passed. Finally, one woman turned to the other and said, "You know, I've been sitting here so long, my butt fell asleep!"Â*
The other woman turned to her and said "I know! I heard it snoring!"

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

DaveM · 02-10-2007

A little old couple prepares to go to bed. They no sooner hit the pillows when the old man farts and says, "Seven Points."

His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"

The old man replied, "It's fart Rugby."

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, Try and conversion 7-all".

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, "Penalty 10 points to 7."

Not to be outdone, the wife rips out another one and says, "Penalty 10-all."

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and
says," Drop goal, I lead 13 to 10."

Now the pressure is on the old man.

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard, but to no avail.

Realising a defeat is totally unacceptable he gives
it everything he's got, and then kaks in the bed.

The wife says, What the hell was that?"

The old man says, "Half time, change
sides." :-D

DaveM

tba-golfer · 02-10-2007

Guy spots a lovely gal across the bar and strolls over.
"Hi there gorgeous, what's your name?"
"Carmen"
"That's a lovely name."
"Thanks, I changed it from my birth name, to reflect my two favorite things in life- cars and men. What's your name, handsome?"

"Golfbreasts."

:-D

Wombat · 02-12-2007

A man went to a barber for a trim and a shave. While the barber was
lathering the man up for his shave, the man told the barber that he
always has a hard time getting a close shave on his cheeks.

The barber pulled a small wooden ball out of his cabinet
drawer. "Place this ball between your cheek and gum on the right side
and I can give you a close shave."

The man did this, and the barber shaved the right side of his
face. "Wow!" exclaimed the man, "that is great!" He put the ball in
the left side of his mouth, in anticipation of the barber's next move
and with muffled voice asked,

"Buh wat happens if I accidentowy swawo du baw?"

The barber said, "Just bring it back tomorrow. That's what most guys
do."

richb · 02-14-2007

Actual exchanges between pilots and control towers

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

************************************************* *************************************************
Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

************************************************* ************************************************** *
From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control:"Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"

************************************************* ************************************************** *
O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one
o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 329:"Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've got the little Fokker
in sight."

************************************************* ************************************************** ***

A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to
locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"
Student:"When I was number one for takeoff."

************************************************* ************************************************** **

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after
touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the
runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway
101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

************************************************* ************************************************** ***

A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich , overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English):"If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany . Why
must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent):"Because you lost
the bloody war!"

************************************************* ************************************************** ****

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we
lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway.."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure
on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
BR Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we
copied Eastern ... we've already notified our caterers."

************************************************* ************************************************** *****

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the
active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and
taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on
the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real
zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have
enough parts for another one."
************************************************* ************************************************** ****

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered
lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get
there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a
Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and
a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206..
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt , Speedbird 206! clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground:"Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience):"Speedbird 206, have you not been to
Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land."

************************************************* *
************************************************** **

While taxiing at London's, Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft.
Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate
female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771,
where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You
turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the
difference between C and D, but get it right!"

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting
hysterically:"God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort
this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect
progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly
where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am,"the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after
the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate
ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around
Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence
and keyed his microphone, asking:"Wasn't I married to you once?"

[ This message was edited by: Wombat on 2007-02-14 10:47 ]