Triumphrat

welshrob · 09-15-2007

Q: How many Freudians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to climb up the ladder and unscrew the bulb, the other one to hold his penis, I mean ladder...

Wombat · 09-22-2007

Forrest Gump was sent on his way to Heaven.

Upon his arrival, a concerned St Peter met Forrest at the Pearly Gates.

"I'm sorry Forrest," St Peter said, "But Heaven is suffering from an overload of goodly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals.

"That's cool," said Forrest, "What does the Entrance Exam consist of?"

"Three questions," said St Peter. "Which are?" asked Forrest.
"The first," said St Peter, is: "Which two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?
"The second is: How many seconds are there in a year?"
"The third is: What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?"

"Now", said St Peter, "Go away and think about those questions, Forrest, and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have the answers for me." So Forrest went away and gave those three questions some considerable thought. I expect you to do the same.

The following morning, St Peter called upon Forrest and asked if he had considered the questions, to which Forrest replied, "I have."
"Well then," said St Peter, "Which two days of the week start with the letter T?"
Forrest said, " Today, and Tomorrow."
St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question.

"Well then, Forrest, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions?"
St Peter went on, " How many seconds in a year?"
Forrest replied, "Just 12!"
"Only 12?" exclaimed St Peter, "How did you arrive at that figure Forrest?"

"Easy", said Forest. "There's the second of January, the second of February right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds"

St Peter looked at Forrest and said, "I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision." And he walked away shaking his head

A short time later St Peter returned to Forrest. "I'll allow the answer to stand, Forrest, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven."

"Now Forrest, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?"
Forrest replied, "Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer"
"Really!" exclaimed St Peter, "And what is the answer, Forrest?"
"It's Andy."
"Andy?"
"Yes, it's Andy", said Forrest.
This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer.
Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to Forrest, asked. "Forrest, how in God's name did you arrive at THAT answer?" "Easy", said Forrest.
"Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited till his billy boiled?."

And Forrest entered Heaven!

K8 · 09-24-2007

Why, Why, Why

Do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough money?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

JayTee · 09-28-2007

Top 10 things that suck about riding a motorcycle:

10. 20% chance of rain that's actually 100% chance of hurricane
9. 100% chance of rain turns out 85F and sunny
8. Being stuck behind a really slow large truck
7. ...that's full of sand and gravel
6. ...on a bumpy road
5. ...and you ride without a windscreen
4. ...and are wearing an open-faced helmet
3. Grooved pavement
2. Large insects
1. Anything with more than 3 wheels

There's a much bigger list of things that don't suck, but I think this is funnier.

Weasel Pete · 10-03-2007

MENU

A crusty old biker, on a summer ride in the country, walks into a tavern and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:

CHEESEBURGER: $1.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH:$2.50 HAND JOB: $1000

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender serving drinks to a meager looking group of farmers.

"Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"

"I was wondering," whispers the old biker, "are you the young lady who gives the hand-jobs?"

"Yes," she purrs, "I am."

The old biker replies, "Well wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger

TupacGoldstein · 10-06-2007

Only in Glasgow.....
Bono, the lead singer of the band, U2, is famous throughout the entertainment industry for being more than just a little self-righteous.
At a recent U2 concert in Glasgow, Scotland, he asked the audience for total quiet. Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands, once
every few seconds. Holding the audience in total silence, he said into the
microphone, "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."
A voice with a broad Scottish accent from the front of the crowd pierced the quiet. . "Well, foockin stop doin it then ya evil basturd!"

erikmustride · 10-09-2007

This irish fella walks into a bar and up to the barkeep and asks for 3 pints of Guinness. He sets down at a table and proceeds to drink the three pints one after the other. he then walks up to the barkeep and asks for three more. The barkeep says "ya know, as soon as I pour those pints they go flat. You should just order one at a time so they stay fresh"
To which the man replies "I have two brothers in America, we all three agreed to go to a pub once a week and drink three pints each. That way we feel as though we are all together for a pint" The barkeep and all the gathered patrons agree that this a nice custom and leave the man alone.
This goes on for three more years when one day the man comes in and orders only two pints. The whole crowd repectfully keeps quiet for the man as he drinks his two pints. when he gets up to order two more the barkeep says "this rounds on me and I'm sorry for your loss" Th eman looks at him confused for a moment, and then shocks the crowd by laughing! "No, no. my brothers are fine and well. My wife told me to quit drinking. But she said nothing about my brothers"

Wombat · 10-10-2007

Glasgow Football

Glasgow Rangers manager flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi play football and is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over to Scotland.

Two weeks later the 'Gers are 4-0 down to Aberdeen with only 20 minutes left.
The manager gives the young Iraqi striker the nod and on he goes.
The lad is a sensation - scores 5 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game for Rangers!
The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star.

When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in Scottish football.
"Hello mum, guess what?" he says in an Iraqi accent.
"I played for 20 minutes today, we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won.
Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me."

"Wonderful," says his mum, "Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I were ambushed, gang raped and beaten and your brother has joined a gang of looters, and all while you were having such great time."

The young lad is very upset, "What can I say mum, but I'm so sorry."

"Sorry?!!! Sorry?!!!" says his mum,
"It's your bloody fault we moved to f***ing Glasgow in the first place!"

erikmustride · 10-11-2007

How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
...fish...

TupacGoldstein · 10-11-2007

Ranching

A successful rancher died and left everything
to his devoted wife. She was determined to
keep the ranch, but knew very little about
ranching, so she placed an ad in the
newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay
and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when
no one else applied she decided to hire the
gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have
him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long
hours every day and knew a lot about
ranching. For weeks the two of them worked
hard and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said "You
have done a really good job, and the ranch
looks great. You should go into town and kick
up your heels."

The hired hand readily agreed and went into
town on Saturday night.

He returned around 2:30 am , and upon
entering the room, he found the rancher's
widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass
of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her.

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she
said. Trembling, he did as she directed.

"Now take off my boots." He did as she asked,
ever so slowly.

"Now take off my socks." He removed each
gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned
it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire
light.

"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling
hands did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said: "If you ever

wear my clothes into town again, you're

fired!"