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Old 12-07-2012, 06:58 AM   #1221 (permalink)
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Paddy asked his wife what she wanted for Christmas and she said "I'd like a black Ipad, please." So he punched her in the face...
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Old 12-08-2012, 01:05 AM   #1222 (permalink)
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COMPANY MEMO
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 1, 2012
RE: Gala Christmas Party


I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols... feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM. Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees!

Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!

Merry Christmas to you and your family,

Patty


COMPANY MEMO
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 2, 2012
RE: Gala Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on, we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.

Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family,

Patty


COMPANY MEMO
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 3, 2012
RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?

Somebody?

And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.

REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

COMPANY MEMO
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 4, 2012
RE: Generic Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party!

Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy bag. Will that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms.

Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each group will have their own table.

Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.

To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns about confusion in the restrooms. Sorry.

We will have booster seats for short people.

Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.

I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food. The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a bite first.

There will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply "no sugar" desserts. Sorry!

Did I miss anything?!?!?

COMPANY MEMO
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Fcuking Employees
DATE: October 5, 2012
RE: The Fcuking Holiday Party

I've had it with you vegetarian pricks!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your fcuking salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!

The rest of you fcuking weirdoes can kiss my ass. I hope you all have a rotten holiday!

Drive drunk and die,

The Bitch from Hell!!!



COMPANY MEMO
FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: October 6, 2012
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her.

In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

Happy Holidays!

Joan
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Old 12-08-2012, 01:39 AM   #1223 (permalink)
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Q. Why is Santy's sack so big?

A. 'Cause he only comes once a year.
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Old 12-08-2012, 12:42 PM   #1224 (permalink)
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Mitt Romney spent $800m on not becoming president of the USA. I spent 65p and got the same result, except I have a Mars Bar.
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Old 12-09-2012, 03:33 PM   #1225 (permalink)
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A Harley rider, a Honda rider and a Suzuki rider all worked together building a skyscraper. They were eating lunch together one day on the 30th floor structure. The Harley rider said, 'Man, chicken again. If I have chicken in my bucket tomorrow, I'm jumping!' The Honda rider said, 'Crap, bologna again. If I have bologna in my bucket tomorrow, I'll jump,
too!' The Suzuki rider said, 'Well, I've got rice again and if I have rice tomorrow, I'll jump, too!' The next day the Harley rider opened his bucket, had chicken, and jumped. The Honda rider had bologna and jumped. The Suzuki rider had rice, he jumped, too. The funerals were held together and the wives of the three were talking. The Harley widow said, 'If I had only known, I would not have packed chicken.' The Honda widow said the same about bologna. The Suzuki widow just shrugged her shoulders and said, 'Don't blame me, he packed his own lunch!'
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Old 12-10-2012, 12:45 AM   #1226 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Chuck95642 View Post
A Harley rider, a Honda rider and a Suzuki rider all worked together building a skyscraper. They were eating lunch together one day on the 30th floor structure. The Harley rider said, 'Man, chicken again. If I have chicken in my bucket tomorrow, I'm jumping!' The Honda rider said, 'Crap, bologna again. If I have bologna in my bucket tomorrow, I'll jump,
too!' The Suzuki rider said, 'Well, I've got rice again and if I have rice tomorrow, I'll jump, too!' The next day the Harley rider opened his bucket, had chicken, and jumped. The Honda rider had bologna and jumped. The Suzuki rider had rice, he jumped, too. The funerals were held together and the wives of the three were talking. The Harley widow said, 'If I had only known, I would not have packed chicken.' The Honda widow said the same about bologna. The Suzuki widow just shrugged her shoulders and said, 'Don't blame me, he packed his own lunch!'
And, of course, the Triumph riders ate all the abandoned lunches.
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Old 12-10-2012, 06:40 AM   #1227 (permalink)
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Classic: Why did the Chicken Cross the Road?

Console yourself by considering the seeming impossibility of getting a straight answer to one of the simplest questions of all time. This is a bit more philosophical, and the political references are a bit dated now, but some of you might be into that kind of thing.

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

Plato: For the greater good.

Karl Marx: It was a historical inevitability.

Machiavelli: So that its subjects will view it with admiration, as a chicken which has the daring and courage to boldly cross the road, but also with fear, for whom among them has the strength to contend with such a paragon of avian virtue? In such a manner is the princely chicken's dominion maintained.

Hippocrates: Because of an excess of light pink gooey stuff in its pancreas.

Jacques Derrida: Any number of contending discourses may be discovered within the act of the chicken crossing the road, and each interpretation is equally valid as the authorial intent can never be discerned, because structuralism is DEAD, DAMMIT, DEAD!

Thomas de Torquemada: Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out.

Timothy Leary: Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment would let it take.

Douglas Adams: Forty-two.

Nietzsche: Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road gazes also across you.

Oliver North: National Security was at stake.

B.F. Skinner: Because the external influences which had pervaded its sensorium from birth had caused it to develop in such a fashion that it would tend to cross roads, even while believing these actions to be of its own free will.

Carl Jung: The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt necessitated that individual chickens cross roads at this historical juncture, and therefore synchronicitously brought such occurrences into being.

Jean-Paul Sartre: In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the chicken found it necessary to cross the road.

Ludwig Wittgenstein: The possibility of "crossing" was encoded into the objects "chicken" and "road", and circumstances came into being which caused the actualization of this potential occurrence.

Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

Aristotle: To actualize its potential.

Buddha: If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken-nature.

Howard Cosell: It may very well have been one of the most astonishing events to grace the annals of history. An historic, unprecedented avian biped with the temerity to attempt such an herculean achievement formerly relegated to homo sapien pedestrians is truly a remarkable occurrence.

Salvador Dali: The Fish.

Darwin: It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees.

Emily Dickinson: Because it could not stop for death.

Epicurus: For fun.

Ralph Waldo Emerson: It didn't cross the road; it transcended it.

Johann Friedrich von Goethe: The eternal hen-principle made it do it.

Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain.

Werner Heisenberg: We are not sure which side of the road the chicken was on, but it was moving very fast.

David Hume: Out of custom and habit.

Saddam Hussein: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

Jack Nicholson: 'Cause it (censored) wanted to. That's the (censored) reason.

Pyrrho the Skeptic: What road?

Ronald Reagan: I forget.

John Sununu: The Air Force was only too happy to provide the transportation, so quite understandably the chicken availed himself of the opportunity.

The Sphinx: You tell me.

Henry David Thoreau: To live deliberately ... and suck all the marrow out of life.

Mark Twain: The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated.

Jimmy Saville: The chicken told me it was over 16...
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Old 12-11-2012, 06:42 AM   #1228 (permalink)
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After England's goal against Germany was disallowed during the 2010 Football World Cup (after the ball had quite clearly crossed the goal line), the email joke going around here the next day was:

Q. Why did the chicken cross the road?
A. According to FIFA, it didn't.
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Old 12-11-2012, 02:10 PM   #1229 (permalink)
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John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep."
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Old 12-12-2012, 04:31 PM   #1230 (permalink)
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Little Timmy writes a Christmas Letter

Dear Santa,
How are you? How is Mrs. Claus? I hope everyone, from the reindeer to the elves, is fine.
I have been a very good boy this year.
I would like an X-Box 360 with Call of Duty IV and an iPhone 4 for Christmas. I hope you remember that come Christmas Day.
Merry Christmas,
Timmy Jones
* * *
Dear Timmy,
Thank you for you letter. Mrs. Claus, the reindeer and the elves are all fine and thank you for asking about them. Santa is a little worried all the time you spend playing video games and texting. Santa wouldn’t want you to get fat. Since you have indeed been a good boy, I think I’ll bring you something you can go outside and play with.
Merry Christmas,
Santa Claus
* * *
Mr. Claus,
Seeing that I have fulfilled the “naughty vs. Nice” contract, set by you I might add, I feel confident that you can see your way clear to granting me what I have asked for. I certainly wouldn’t want to turn this joyous season into one of litigation.
Also, don’t you think that a jibe at my weight coming from an overweight man who goes out once a year is a bit trite?
Respectfully,
Tim Jones
* * *
Mr. Jones,
While I have acknowledged you have met the “nice” criteria, need I remind you that your Christmas list is a request and in no way is it a guarantee of services provided.
Should you wish to pursue legal action, well that is your right.
Please know however, that my attorney’s have been on retainer ever since the Burgermeister Meisterburger incident and will be more than happy to take you on in open court.
Additionally, the exercise I alluded to will not only improve your health, but also improve your social skills and potentially help clear up a complexion that looks like the bottom of the Burger King fry bin most days.
Very Truly Yours,
S.Claus
* * *
Now look here Fat Man,
I told you what I want and I expect you to bring it. I was attempting to be polite about this but you brought my looks and my friends into this.
Now you just be disrespecting me.
I’m about to tweet my boys and we’re gonna be waiting for your fat ass and I’m taking my game console, my game, my phone, and whatever else I want. WHATEVER I WANT, MAN!
T-Bone
* * *
Listen Pizza Face,
Seriously? You think a dude that breaks into every house in the world on one night and never gets caught sweats a skinny G-banger wannabe?
“He sees you when you’re sleeping; He knows when you’re awake”. Sound familiar,genius?
You know what kind of resources I have at my disposal. I got your **** wired, Jack.
I go all around the world and see ways to hurt people that if I described them right now, you’d throw up your Totino’s pizza roll all over the carpet of your mom’s basement.
You’re not getting what you asked for, but I’m still stopping by your crib to stomp a mud hole in your behind and then walk it dry. Chew on that, Petunia!
S Clizzy
* * *
Dear Santa,
Bring me whatever you see fit. I’ll appreciate anything.
Timmy
* * *
Timmy,
That’s what I thought you little b******
Santa
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