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Old 11-27-2012, 11:54 PM   #1211 (permalink)
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Three Australians and three Maoris are travelling by train to a Rugby match at the World Cup in England.

At the station, the three Aussies each buy a ticket and watch as the three Maoris buy just one ticket between them.

"How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks one of the Aussies.

"Watch and learn, bro," answers one of the Maoris.

They all board the train. The Aussies take their respective seats but all three Maoris cram into a toilet and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket please."

The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes the ticket and moves on. The Aussies see this and agree it was quite a clever idea. So, after the game, they decide to go one better on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that).

When they get to the station for the return trip, the Maoris again buy a single ticket between them. To their astonishment, the Aussies don't buy a ticket at all!!

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asks one perplexed Maori.

"Watch and learn, bro, " answers an Aussie.

When they board the train the three Aussies cram into a toilet, and soon after the three Maoris cram into another nearby, and the train duly departs.

Shortly afterwards, one of the Aussies leaves the toilet and walks over to the toilet where the Maoris are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket please."
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Old 11-28-2012, 11:41 AM   #1212 (permalink)
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I jumped into bed last night and pulled off my boxers, the wife says "you spoil those dogs"
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Old 11-28-2012, 12:13 PM   #1213 (permalink)
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Apples On Trees

Women are like Apples on Trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they sometimes take the apples from the ground that aren't as good, but are real easy.

The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along. The one who is brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.

Now, men.... Men are like a Fine Wine.

They begin as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the **** out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.
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Old 11-29-2012, 11:38 AM   #1214 (permalink)
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50 Shades of Grey..

We tried various positions - round the back, on the side, up against a wall ...
but in the end we came to the conclusion the bottom of the garden was the only place for a good shed.

She stood before me, trembling in my shed.
"I'm yours for the night," she gasped, "You can do whatever you want with me."
So I took her to McDonalds.

She knelt before me on the shed floor and tugged gently at first, then
harder until finally it came.
I moaned with pleasure. Now for the other boot.

Ever since she read THAT book, I've had to buy all kinds of ropes, chains and shackles.
She still manages to get into the shed, though.

"Put on this rubber suit and mask," I instructed, calmly.
"Mmmm, kinky!" she purred.
"Yes," I said, "You can't be too careful with all that asbestos in the shed roof."

"I'm a very naughty girl," she said, biting her lip. "I need to be
punished."
So I invited my mum to stay for the weekend.

"Harder!" she cried, gripping the workbench tightly. "Harder!"
"Okay," I said. "What's the gross national product of Nicaragua ?"

I lay back exhausted, gazing happily out of the shed window.
Despite my concerns about my inexperience, my rhubarb had come up a treat.

"Are you sure you can take the pain?" she demanded, brandishing stilettos.
"I think so," I gulped. "Here we go, then," she said, and showed me the
receipt.

"Hurt me!" she begged, raising her skirt as she bent over my workbench.
"Very well," I replied. "You've got fat ankles and no dress sense."

"Are you sure you want this?" I asked. "When I'm done, you won't be able to sit down for weeks."
She nodded.
"Okay," I said, putting the three-piece suite on eBay.

"Punish me!" she cried. "Make me suffer like only a real man can!"
"Very well," I replied, leaving the toilet seat up.

"Pleasure and pain can be experienced simultaneously," she said, gently
massaging my back as we listened to her Coldplay CD
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Old 11-29-2012, 11:48 AM   #1215 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Rose View Post
We tried various positions - round the back, on the side, up against a wall ...
but in the end we came to the conclusion the bottom of the garden was the only place for a good shed.

She stood before me, trembling in my shed.
"I'm yours for the night," she gasped, "You can do whatever you want with me."
So I took her to McDonalds.

She knelt before me on the shed floor and tugged gently at first, then
harder until finally it came.
I moaned with pleasure. Now for the other boot.

Ever since she read THAT book, I've had to buy all kinds of ropes, chains and shackles.
She still manages to get into the shed, though.

"Put on this rubber suit and mask," I instructed, calmly.
"Mmmm, kinky!" she purred.
"Yes," I said, "You can't be too careful with all that asbestos in the shed roof."

"I'm a very naughty girl," she said, biting her lip. "I need to be
punished."
So I invited my mum to stay for the weekend.

"Harder!" she cried, gripping the workbench tightly. "Harder!"
"Okay," I said. "What's the gross national product of Nicaragua ?"

I lay back exhausted, gazing happily out of the shed window.
Despite my concerns about my inexperience, my rhubarb had come up a treat.

"Are you sure you can take the pain?" she demanded, brandishing stilettos.
"I think so," I gulped. "Here we go, then," she said, and showed me the
receipt.

"Hurt me!" she begged, raising her skirt as she bent over my workbench.
"Very well," I replied. "You've got fat ankles and no dress sense."

"Are you sure you want this?" I asked. "When I'm done, you won't be able to sit down for weeks."
She nodded.
"Okay," I said, putting the three-piece suite on eBay.

"Punish me!" she cried. "Make me suffer like only a real man can!"
"Very well," I replied, leaving the toilet seat up.

"Pleasure and pain can be experienced simultaneously," she said, gently
massaging my back as we listened to her Coldplay CD
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Old 11-30-2012, 02:31 AM   #1216 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by welshrob View Post
21 Economic Models ... explained with cows


You have 2 cows...
Can't remember where I read this, it was with countries not corporations (but very similar). And there's one more they had:

[insert name of country/people to make fun of]
You have two cows.
The one on the left is looking particularly fetching today...

Last edited by fergus; 11-30-2012 at 07:45 AM. Reason: typo
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Old 11-30-2012, 02:32 AM   #1217 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by fergus View Post
Can't remember where I read this, it was with countries not corporations (but very similar). And there's one more they had:

[insert name of country/people to make fun of]
You have two cows.
The one of the left is looking particularly fetching today...
Probably Texas.

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Old 12-02-2012, 12:56 AM   #1218 (permalink)
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A union shop foreman walks into a bar next door to the factory after work and is about to order a drink to celebrate Obama’s victory, when he sees a guy sitting alone, wearing a Romney for President button, with two beers in front of him. He doesn't have to be an Einstein to know that this guy is a Republican. The bar is filled with factory workers, so he shouts over to the bartender so loud that everyone can hear, "Drinks for everyone in here, bartender, but not for the Republican."

After the drinks have all been served, the Republican gives him a big smile, waves at him, then says, "Thank you!" in an equally loud voice. This infuriates the union official.


The union captain once again loudly orders drinks for everyone, except the Republican. As before, this does not seem to bother the Republican. He continues to smile, and again yells, "Thank you!"

The union thug, louder than ever, once again orders drinks for everyone, except the Republican. As before, this does not seem to bother the Republican. He continues to smile, and again yells, "Thank you!" in an equally loud voice.

The union guy asks the bartender, "What the hell is going on with that Republican? I've ordered three rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar, but him, and all the silly idiot does is smile and thanks me. Is he nuts?"

"Nope," replies the bartender, "he owns the bar."
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Old 12-02-2012, 07:16 AM   #1219 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by UnklFungus View Post
A union shop foreman walks into a bar next door to the factory after work and is about to order a drink to celebrate Obama’s victory, when he sees a guy sitting alone, wearing a Romney for President button, with two beers in front of him. He doesn't have to be an Einstein to know that this guy is a Republican. The bar is filled with factory workers, so he shouts over to the bartender so loud that everyone can hear, "Drinks for everyone in here, bartender, but not for the Republican."

After the drinks have all been served, the Republican gives him a big smile, waves at him, then says, "Thank you!" in an equally loud voice. This infuriates the union official.


The union captain once again loudly orders drinks for everyone, except the Republican. As before, this does not seem to bother the Republican. He continues to smile, and again yells, "Thank you!"

The union thug, louder than ever, once again orders drinks for everyone, except the Republican. As before, this does not seem to bother the Republican. He continues to smile, and again yells, "Thank you!" in an equally loud voice.

The union guy asks the bartender, "What the hell is going on with that Republican? I've ordered three rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar, but him, and all the silly idiot does is smile and thanks me. Is he nuts?"

"Nope," replies the bartender, "he owns the bar."
ROLMFAO Great one!!
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Old 12-05-2012, 12:31 PM   #1220 (permalink)
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Snobbish Psychology Student meets her match...

A guy asked a girl in a university library: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?”


The snobbish girl replied loudly: "I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"


All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was embarrassed and walked away to the next table.


After a couple of minutes the girl, who was pleased with her skill dealing with the human mind, walked to the guy's table and whispered: "I study psychology,
and I know what guys think. Don't try to mess with my head".



The guy responded in a loud voice: “$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT'S TOO MUCH!”

All the people in the library turned their attention to the girl, who was in shock.

Then the guy whispered in her ear: "I study law, and I know how to make someone look guilty in front of a jury.”
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