now the biggest test of all has happened in all this but i should be able to handle it i hope.
Unfortunately the damage to my frontal lobes is causing trouble as in it is shuting down and i can't stop it happening.
I'm not annoyed, just scared to be honest.
Somehow i don't think i've been given the full picture of what is happening or what is wrong.
I'm already having to be constantly prompted to do basic things in life which is only tiring really.
Now i have to contend with my memories and recall giving up.
Daily lately i've been noticing i can't recall or access information which i need.
I have prompt sheets in front of me, dairies of dates and appointments etc but somehow my injury is saying it has had enough and is shuting down. At least in a sense it is giving me warnings.
The catastrophic brain injury team are just taking it as part of course but how do i make them understand this is really hard what is happening.
I had to be prompted on what jobs i did before the accident.
I had to phone my old boss to ask him what i did for his company.
This has always been a fear with-in me as somehow since they spotted the brain injury i knew something was really wrong but can't tell you in words. just a feeling i have had for a while.
I have been told not to worry about it, it's only part of the brain injury. These people deal with this kind of trauma every day with-in there patients but I don't think they can actually fully understand what it is like to lose you memory.
For a bit it has been slowly getting harder to recall stuff and now everything from the accident till today is getting lost.
I have the team helping me to recall and retrieve what i can but it's a loosing battle and they know this and no-one told me anything until it started happening.
They said a lot of different things can happen and they can only help to deal with them as it happens.
Unfortunately with a brain injury you can lose ability and memory is all they say and they will help me get through it.
I am wondering if these people are holding back on me what is happening to save my fear or something as they seem to take it in there stride and are not shocked or surprised and only gave me reassurance it will be okay.
I can only see one way it will be okay, and this is to let it happen.
I'm gutted as it is not like something getting wiped off a board so you don't know it was there, I know something was there sometimes and it's hard knowing this as all i get are empty bits where i cannot recall things or events, like i'm staring into space and beyond. On ocassion i can't even remember an event or meeting etc even when the person or thing is in front of me.
I'm gutted as it can't be helped so i will do my best to get on with it but at present i'm hurting inside.
I tried so hard to get over this but i keep getting held back by my own mind doing things i can't control.
I can not even recall a single persons name in here since i started this thread without looking but this never bothered me until now i suppose.
Are there any brain people reading this as in what the blazes is happening to me and what can i do to help myself with it?
At present i've got people who look at everything i do from when i get up till i go to sleep or not.
My house looks like it has suddenly been wrapped in cotton wool.
I fell a couple of times and over reaction again, i'm unsteady on my feet and need help is what i get.
You can imagine what they have and are doing to my new home.
It's going to look like a bloody padded cell if i let them do what they want.
I am learning to deal with the constant prompting to do tasks without a mental block happening but as fast as i'm learning to redo basic things it is annoying what is happening behind me in the sense of losing memories from now going back to the accident.
I don't know how to put this into words, but i don't or can't judge what a year is or how long.
I know we have seven days in a week, but what does it matter if it is Tuesday or Friday, the world wouldn't stop would it?
Sorry all reading this, I might be going over what I have said already.
Just carry on reading and i'll keep posting as now it has become something i can hopefully hold onto in my mind and has not confused me too much. Only it takes sometimes hours to write this out but believe me when i say i think i have the time to do it.
The bottom line of this accident has to be now, i can't have any more done to me or happen to me so it is time I guess to let go for a while and let the ones around me take over as they have been trying to take control for some time but i've refused point blank on some things.
I'm not admitting defeat, far from it, i just need to step back for a while and see where this takes me as at present i'm going round in circles and so stressed out and confused at times with it all.
The other half is hurting very much as is the lad and he is scared of what is happening with me and is finding it very hard.
he finds it hard with some things we even did together last year which are not even in my memory, or even a scrap of something to do with it. He will constantly go over the entire scenario, scenery, doings, day, weather etc, and he is so frustrated and wound up that i am unable to recall a single thing he is talking about.
I only know this but i can't explain or imagine what he must be going though inside since this accident happened.
He has had to move back home to his mums for now as the care team have to be with me for what has turned out full time simply to help me get through a whole day without injury or harm.
I get a couple of hours a day to myself but this is all they will let me have and this is going to end up nil, i can see it coming.
On good things, the weather has got very good, i've got doors open all over and not freezing. The wind never seems to go away much but this is great for blowing my garden free of any crap.
I only have grass cuttings and i don't have to use the grass box as the wind takes the actual cut immediately most days.
i get daily gusts of between i'd say 20-40 mph at some point in the day since when-ever i moved in here.
All i will say is my house is actually in the middle of miles and miles of complete flat farm land as far as the eye can see with no shelter or wind breaks or hills or valleys for protection. but not only me, all the houses and farms in the area will suffer the same. I'm near Spalding in lincolnshire and twice now i have had large numbers of group rides pass the house. Every type of bike.
I have a motorbike shop only 5 miles away, in the middle of no-where, but it is a main honda dealership for moto-cross which i thought, yes, in this area, they will have large fields ideal for people thinking they are in a plane or helicopter rather than a moto-crosser.
Another good thing, the owner of the house, the farmer who owns all the fields around has been round a lot as i'm still able to use part of my mind so we have good chats and he knows if i get lost or stuck, he just starts a new topic and off we go.
He has said i can stay here as long as i want and is happy i like the house so much.
So the good things out-weigh the bad at present, i'm just so lost at times with what is going on and what is happening as it never seems to stay the same.
My head will do what-ever it is doing with or with-out my help so it may sound a bit weird, but i'm going to let it happen and take it from there.
I have the physiotherapists starting soon, five days a week, maybe next week or something.
I have transport sorted out from next week also.
I have two full time carers who deal with brain injury and i have a beautiful posh, privatley educated girl as my occupational therapist who is on a different planet to living from us but she is so caring and understanding it is nice.
I've just noticed something, my entire care people are all women.
Not a single male in them, now if they ever get to gether at once on me i will have to get very far away.
I have 6 or 7 in the team and all are female.